This morning I wake up at a little after 7 am for one of my many early morning bathroom trips. I was feeling a little crampy but didn’t think much of it- around the time when my weeks move to the next I get some slight cramping. I always assumed it was from my uterus stretching, and was always surprised at how prompt it was. [13 weeks today? Time to stretch some more!]

So I wander into the bathroom and do my business, then wipe. Now, I’ve had a miscarriage and several instances of spotting before, so I’m a certified member of The Toilet Paper Inspection Brigade. So I check the paper and see red. Red EVERYWHERE; on the tissue, on my hand, even on the edge of the toilet seat.

Needless to say, I freaked the fuck out.

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Got to hear Dragon Baby’s Heartbeat on the Doppler last night! I’ve been catching glimpses of it, but I’ve had to have the Doppler right up to my ear and full volume to hear it. I found it over my right hip at about 8pm last night, and it let me listen for almost a minute! I decided to grab my phone and record it to share with family and my husband, who isn’t usually around for Doppler sessions since he’s working late right now. …and now I’m sharing it with you, because I think it’s absolutely magical! [Though I might be the only one, ha ha!]

The rate was between 147 and 168 beats per minute. Listen to that thing fly! <3 [You can hear at the end of the clip where Dragon Baby gets fed up and moves away, lol.]

So first I had a dream this afternoon that my husband was super lovey-dovey and attentive and insanely sweet to me. Then I get up, move to the couch, fall asleep again, and have a dream where he is ignoring me, blowing me off, and making me feel horrible!

What the hell, hormones? I’m going to take a nap again- you’d better behave!

[For the record, these dreams are actually WAY better than the ones I had last week where I was growing patches of beards in random areas of my face, and my eyelashes grew so long I couldn’t see…]

…is already trying to eat me out of house and home! I am starving all the time now.

I hope I’m some kind of breastfeeding savant or something because I have a feeling Dragon Baby will be a champion eater at this rate. [With all the bouncing around in there and making me constantly hungry.]

This started a few days ago, I’m basically ravenous every two to three hours. I’ve tried snacking- doesn’t work. I have to eat full meals. If I didn’t lose about 20 pounds in my first few weeks from morning sickness, I’d be worried right now… <.<

Also, I’m 12 weeks today! Huzzah! <3

I’ve noticed that along with the hunger, my nausea has returned slightly. Weird.

I don’t understand the pregnant women that just instinctively know what the gender of their unborn child is. I feel absolutely nothing either way. It could be genderless for all I know. [I know it’s not- gender is determined at birth and by the sperm, which is why I find it ridiculous when men blame women for not giving them the gender child they wanted.]

Everyone on my mom’s side is telling me they feel it’s a girl. [I think they feel that way out of wishful thinking because my brother already has a boy.] My one aunt thinks it’s a boy and is adamant about it, but she’s the only one.

My husband really wants a boy, but also has no idea. [Though he says it will probably be a girl just because The Bitch likes to spite him.]

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My husband is Chinese, and when we told his side of the family they flipped out and were really excited- not just because this is their first grandchild/great-grandchild, but because it’s the Year of the Dragon, a really auspicious year to be born in. So they started to call it “The Dragon Baby” and it has stuck, because it’s nice and gender neutral.  

Then it was recently brought to my attention [like, a few minutes ago, in fact] that as far as the Chinese Zodiac goes, I am a Water Dog, my Husband is a Water Boar, and we’re scheduled to have a Water Dragon.

So much water! Good thing I like water. =D

I should have started this sooner. I keep thinking that, over and over. It’s like coming in at the end of a movie or skipping to the middle of a book. But before, I didn’t feel brave enough to talk about this. I didn’t feel like I had anything to add above and beyond what was already out there. I thought that if I did, it would just be a lot of sad, depressing posts, which is true. I didn’t get motivated to do anything until after I kicked infertility’s ass- then I wanted to do a pregnancy journal, something to reflect on and maybe show this child one day. But then I felt like I had to tell the back story, and then I realized that maybe if I had then there would be a lot of stuff to sift through before I started on the good part. Now I feel like this might have been the better way to go, even though I had to do a few posts of backstory. [But it’s very concise backstory, even though it’s quite long, because I am terrible at abridgement.]

It’s been a long nearly 3 years coming to this point. I never imagined this journey to take so long or to be so hard and fraught with emotional pitfalls, but I feel like somehow I’m stronger for it… and that’s something you can only say once you’re on the other side.

I guess that even though this is intended to be a pregnancy blog, it’s proof that there is a “the other side” to this.

While going through it, this was the darkest thought I ever had. I broke down when it crossed my mind.

“My biggest fear is that we’ll never be able to tell you how much we wanted you.”

And it was. It was my biggest fear.

When we did the ultrasound yesterday, the baby was HUGE! So much bigger than I thought it was going to be, and so well formed! It looked like a teeny tiny baby, with little perfect teeny tiny feet! The baby was still though, so I asked the doctor, “Shouldn’t it be moving a little by now?” She replied that sometimes they move a lot and sometimes they move a little but that each one is different. Then I saw the little hands move a bit and went “Oh, there goes a hand!” and the doctor chuckled a bit; then all of a sudden out of nowhere, the little Dragon starts doing barrel rolls and flips and just moving ALL over the place! The doctor gasped a bit then laughed, and tried to move the probe to keep up with it. We didn’t get a good pic because it was busy being a little acrobat, but it was amazing to watch it go all over and be so active on the screen! I teared up watching it- it was the happiest thing I’d seen in my life! When the doc was done getting screen grabs, it turned and faced the “camera” then kicked it’s little legs and feet together in kind of a “neener neener” type way, as if it did all that intentionally so we couldn’t get a good pic! I guess we’re going to have a little spitfire, and I wouldn’t want it any other way! <3

[Pic after the jump~]

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Say what you will about me, but I am determined as FUCK. Once there is something I want, I stop at nothing to get it.

After a year of trying to conceive with little success, I sat down with my charts, all 12 of them. The best thing you can do is chart, really. Your body tells you so much, and you wouldn’t even know how to interpret it. Charts are the babelfish.

[after this this gets a bit graphic about bodily functions, just FYI. But if you’re reading this as a long term TTCer, then talk of bodily functions shouldn’t scare you. XD]

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As I was coming out of my grief spiral after the miscarriage, I drew this. Art can be and is often therapeutic for me and a great way for me to work through my emotions.

My husband is Chinese, and we adopted the traditional Chinese belief of the Dragon and The Phoenix, in which he was the Dragon, and I the Phoenix. [Together they symbolize a harmonious union, yin and yang, and are frequently a motif for husbands and wives.]

At any rate, I decided I would make like my totem and be reborn from the flames of this tragedy, becoming stronger and wishing to pursue my dream of being a mother even more fervently than before!

It’s a recurring theme in my life, really; I die and get reborn, over and over and over again, becoming stronger and stronger each time. I look at this picture and I feel like I can, I WILL get though this.