When I woke up this morning, I remembered vividly that I had been dreaming that my mom helped me deliver my baby on top of a washing machine in a laundromat that was located in an underground cave made out of brown sugar. It was like a building that was being invaded slowly by brown sugar, but it was cave like and underground. It was hot so bits of the ceiling were melting off and falling on me and they were melty and grainy and really gross.

The laundromat had an IV for whatever reason, and a nurse, so in this dream the nurse put in the IV and I delivered my baby with my mom’s help. Labor and birth was like nothing at all. Like, effortless- not painful, just took a lot of energy. Then they wrapped up my baby and handed it to me [have no idea what the gender was] and then a girl I don’t like that I used to be friends with showed up dressed like a country hooker… I held up my baby, screamed at her that I had a baby and she didn’t, and she ran out in fear. Then I woke up.

It was REALLY weird. So, SO weird…

Today was “dead on the couch day”. Too much to process, so my brain shut down and slept 90% of the day. This is what that looks like. [and yes, my dogs lie on me like that. I think they think it helps somehow.]

15 week belly pic. Took it last Sunday, since I actually started to show a bit. I’m curious to see where this baby goes because I have no torso… <_<

I don’t understand the pregnant women that just instinctively know what the gender of their unborn child is. I feel absolutely nothing either way. It could be genderless for all I know. [I know it’s not- gender is determined at birth and by the sperm, which is why I find it ridiculous when men blame women for not giving them the gender child they wanted.]

Everyone on my mom’s side is telling me they feel it’s a girl. [I think they feel that way out of wishful thinking because my brother already has a boy.] My one aunt thinks it’s a boy and is adamant about it, but she’s the only one.

My husband really wants a boy, but also has no idea. [Though he says it will probably be a girl just because The Bitch likes to spite him.]

Read More

My husband is Chinese, and when we told his side of the family they flipped out and were really excited- not just because this is their first grandchild/great-grandchild, but because it’s the Year of the Dragon, a really auspicious year to be born in. So they started to call it “The Dragon Baby” and it has stuck, because it’s nice and gender neutral.  

Then it was recently brought to my attention [like, a few minutes ago, in fact] that as far as the Chinese Zodiac goes, I am a Water Dog, my Husband is a Water Boar, and we’re scheduled to have a Water Dragon.

So much water! Good thing I like water. =D

I should have started this sooner. I keep thinking that, over and over. It’s like coming in at the end of a movie or skipping to the middle of a book. But before, I didn’t feel brave enough to talk about this. I didn’t feel like I had anything to add above and beyond what was already out there. I thought that if I did, it would just be a lot of sad, depressing posts, which is true. I didn’t get motivated to do anything until after I kicked infertility’s ass- then I wanted to do a pregnancy journal, something to reflect on and maybe show this child one day. But then I felt like I had to tell the back story, and then I realized that maybe if I had then there would be a lot of stuff to sift through before I started on the good part. Now I feel like this might have been the better way to go, even though I had to do a few posts of backstory. [But it’s very concise backstory, even though it’s quite long, because I am terrible at abridgement.]

It’s been a long nearly 3 years coming to this point. I never imagined this journey to take so long or to be so hard and fraught with emotional pitfalls, but I feel like somehow I’m stronger for it… and that’s something you can only say once you’re on the other side.

I guess that even though this is intended to be a pregnancy blog, it’s proof that there is a “the other side” to this.

While going through it, this was the darkest thought I ever had. I broke down when it crossed my mind.

“My biggest fear is that we’ll never be able to tell you how much we wanted you.”

And it was. It was my biggest fear.

Say what you will about me, but I am determined as FUCK. Once there is something I want, I stop at nothing to get it.

After a year of trying to conceive with little success, I sat down with my charts, all 12 of them. The best thing you can do is chart, really. Your body tells you so much, and you wouldn’t even know how to interpret it. Charts are the babelfish.

[after this this gets a bit graphic about bodily functions, just FYI. But if you’re reading this as a long term TTCer, then talk of bodily functions shouldn’t scare you. XD]

Read More